Think about some of your current relationships. This can be with a spouse, your kids, a friend, even your parents. How connected are you? How much do you truly know about them, even though you may spend every day together in close proximity?
Just because you’ve been with a person for years, or you carried your child inside you for 9 months, doesn’t mean that you’re connecting with them on an intimate level daily. That takes patience and intention and focus, which may be more difficult than you’d think.
Eye contact = connection
Today, I want you to really hone in on one of the relationships in your life. Really think about the dynamics of that relationship, the connections you have, and then I want you to play this game with them.
Here’s how it works. Sit down across from your partner (not necessarily your spouse, but whoever you’d like to connect with) and try to maintain eye contact as you answer a series of 36 questions. Be brutally honest. Open up to your partner in ways you haven’t before. Trust the process of the game.
At the end of the game, maintain eye contact with your partner for four minutes. I know, that seems like a long time, but that’s why it’s important. Eye contact is one of the best ways to connect with someone on a deeply personal level. It’s especially helpful if you don’t know a person well, as it opens both of you up to be vulnerable, letting someone really see you for a long period of unbroken time.
When you’re done with the game, reflect on it. What did you learn about your partner? About yourself? Do you feel closer?
This game isn’t bulletproof and it certainly isn’t a cure-all for all your problems. But, it is a fascinating psychological experiment on the importance of in-depth conversation and steady eye contact, especially with someone you feel like you know inside and out.
Knowing a person doesn’t always mean you’re connecting with that person.
Maybe you’ve been married to your spouse for 25 years, but when’s the last time you really looked them in the eye? When’s the last time you asked them a super intimate question and actually listened to their response?
Also, if you don’t have a partner to play this game with, play it with yourself! Sit down in front of a mirror and ask yourself the questions, treating your reflection as your “partner.” When it comes to the eye contact part of the game, really look at yourself in the mirror, but not in the same way you do when you’re washing your face or putting on makeup. Admire your features as if you’re seeing them for the first time. Learn something about yourself.
Intimacy can be built and strengthened in so many different ways. But sometimes, that intimacy can slip away (usually without you even realizing it), until the person you share a home with, a life with (including yourself!), is more of a stranger to you than the person you pass on the sidewalk while jogging.